The Top Ten: Listing the First Ten Things to Enter My Mind, in No Particular Order
Kaveh “Air Jordan” Ghorashi
am Kaveh. Controversial, eristic, but always polemic. Those all mean
controversial. Kaveh teaches us well.
Anyway, top ten.
10. Black Jellybeans.
Who the crap made these? The jerks must have been all like, “hey, instead of combining sugar with fruit flavour, let’s fuse it with the taste of destruction.” Destruction hurts, and black jellybeans taste like flossing with barbed wire. Get on fixing that, North Toronto; start a revolution.
I give black jellybeans two stars. I’m also implementing a rating system that has stars in it.
9. Bruce Willis.
Sweet lord, this guy is the man. He’s been shot at least four times, he’s blown up like, two airplanes, and he’s a ghost who is also a superhero. Think I’m just combining plot lines from his movies? Discussion over.
8. Cannibal Corpse.
Their new album is called Kill. That’s it, just Kill. The cover doesn’t even have anything else on it. The only way this could be more hardcore would be if the case were made of metal and was on fire. And their videos, forget about it. I watched one called Make Them Suffer; I closed the window after a bit because it was terrifying me.
High School Newspaper Reviews of TV Shows.
High school newspaper reviews of TV shows are pointless.
7. High School Newspaper Reviews of Me.
Dangerously. Awesome. Reviews of me get four stars. Also, I forgot to give the last three things a rating.
6. Skye Wattie.
Skye’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word, and he is my nemesis. But, like, in a good way. Skye is the friend who will always bring you down a few pegs when you need it; which seems to be often for me because he keeps tipping over chairs that I’m sitting in. But at the same time, when I didn’t make the final cut for the soccer team, Skye gave me a hug. Thank you, Skye.
5. Guys who Did Make the Soccer Team.
I have no ill will towards the more intimidating players; your victories will be well deserved. But to the guys like Julien, whom I know couldn’t take a swift kick in the dick, to you I say, “Watch out. One day, you will be on the receiving end of a swift kick in the dick.”
I realize I’ve listed the number eight twice.
4. The Guys who Took My Student Advisor Job for this Newspaper.
There are three. I’m afraid of all of them.They each get five stars, and I guess anything I forgot to give a rating to gets three stars.
3. Water Polo/Girl with a Triple Black Belt.
Oski Turanoglu thinks they’re the same. Sure, they’re both intense, but that’s all they have in common. First of all, I was lying when I said water polo was intense. Second, if Oski tried dating a girl with a black belt, she’d kill him. She would put him in a hole, bury him alive, and judo chop his head through the dirt. Bottom line: I’m right.
Oski gets a star and a half, and water polo gets nothing. Any girl with a black belt gets a Certificate of Fright from me.
2. Bruce Willis.
If Bruce Willis wanted to, he would make a copy of himself and give it wings. Then he’d have this clone eat whoever decided the flavour of black jellybeans, and he wouldn’t feel bad about it. But Bruce Willis keeps these powers under wraps because he was in Die Hard. He doesn’t need super powers.
I’ve decided to turn this into a game show. Bruce Willis gets everyone’s stars.
1. Giving Me Money.
This is just a suggestion, but hey, communism was once just a suggestion. I just wrecked you.
There. I’ve made a political comment, and I’ve removed whatever swear words there were, just so people who hate change wouldn’t get offended. I would have thanked the Graffiti staff, and also my editor, but being forced to take the swear words out of what was supposed to be my article has filled me with disgust.