To Sarah With Love

ALEX MCKENZIE AND WILL RUTLEDGE

Dear Sarah,  

            I must admit to having been passionately in love with you from the first time I saw your sculpted jaw peeking out next to McCain. I instantly realised my raving crush on the old dodder was well placed (I always had a thing for bad boy mavericks), and that you were the real deal. I mean, you’ve had more “executive experience” than all three other candidates combined. I really feel that your role in Alaska will have prepared you handsomely for controlling the most powerful country in the world.  Admittedly, the cold calculated move of your appointment came as a bit of a surprise... perhaps power is an aphrodisiac, but I was instantly taken in. I said to myself,  “here is a person with nerves of steel, who can get up every morning see Russia off the coast and not burst into tears (damn those Ruskies don’t they know the Cold War’s over). If that doesn’t qualify you for office, what does? All thoughts of Obama and his message of reform suddenly disappeared. “You know what I want?” I thought, “I want small town values to be the values of the next Vice President. (quick question…I know it sounds stupid, but what are small town values again?)”

            Those idiots in the liberal press (you know CNN, Fox...) keep going on about pesky “censorship” scandals. Just that you wanted to ban a couple of books from a public library doesn’t make you’re a bad person… and I mean everyone likes a good book burning. In fact, it’s very American… like caviar and vodka... And the whole “firing people who don’t agree with you,” I mean that’s what politics is about right. We don’t want people who stand by their own views. No, that makes politics messy; we need people who will hold firmly to the party line. I feel confident that a person who would put a friend in control of a $2 million environmental agency, on the basis of an application that cited that “she always liked cows as a child” truly deserves to lead America. But what really angers me is all those people who say that you are totally unqualified for this job. And that you were just chosen as a gimmick. I mean, it’s obvious to me that politics should be about race and gender and not actual beliefs. Who cares whether you’re a polar opposite to Clinton, you’re still both women and that’s what counts, right? (of course you weren’t only chosen because you’re a women… cause that would be taking advantage… or kinda…what’s the word… erhm… sexist?)

             I feel truly sorry for those people going on about how you have no foreign policy experience. I mean, you can see Russia from your house, like, all the time… I mean I’ve been to Niagara and I sure as hell know how the US should be led. Finally what I love the most is this whole “hockey mum, gun totting, anti abortion, think the world was created 4000 thousand years ago, anti-sex-ed thing.” It’s like you’re the perfect stereotype of the US. It would be really unfortunate if, back in Europe, we all had to come up with some new jokes because the US actually changed. I understand the whole Christian thing means you don’t like divorce...but if you ever are in Canada…

Waiting Desperately for a Response,

Alexander

Dear Mckenzie, 

            I’m so darn glad to hear from a young man like you from outside of the greatest country in the world (AMERICA!). I have never been to your country and don’t really plan on it because you cut off women’s heads, but I have heard that you make really darn good tea. Anyway, you’re darn right that I’ve had more executive experience than all of the other candidates. I’ve managed a family the size of a small country for the past few decades and only made one mistake (although it was really my daughter’s mistake! LOL!).  Alaska is a lot like America but with more snow, kind of like if Canada was a teenage girl and America was a redneck hockey player and he knocked Canada up and they had a child it would be named Alaska.

            Yes, that’s the best way to describe it. So with ruling Alaska as governor the past few weeks or months or however darn long it’s been, I’ve had more experience than all of the presidents combined. Abe Lincoln’s got nothing on this hockey mom! YEEEHAW! I don’t know anything of this Russia you speak of, but I’ll tell you what I do see every morning when I wake up: the most beautiful sight a person can see...heaven. In fact, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that as (vice) president I will be building a bridge to heaven. That way all of America will be able to visit the angels in paradise. It will only cost 1 trillion tax dollars, which is cheap considering it will be made out of solid gold! ALASKAN GOLD! That’s right, I’m darn serious.

            So when you go to vote on the 13th or the 16th, or whenever this darn election is, I’d like you to vote for me,  Alex, you sweet little British hunk. Because you know what they say about hockey moms and sticks! LOL! Super duper. Maybe I’ll even sub-prime your mortgages; I am a beauty queen you know. Anyway, I have an illegitimate grandchild to save from hell.

Good Hunting,

Sarah “Stick Handler” Palin

P.S. Is it true that British men don’t brush their teeth? That’s gross, lol.

P.P.S. Just because I don’t like divorce doesn’t mean I don’t like a little British on the side.