You Are What You Eat

By: Hannah Karpinksi

The sidewalks are covered in dark, crunchy leaves, and the air is crisp. These signs can mean only one thing: Fall is here. Of course, with fall comes Halloween. Halloween is one of my favourite holidays. Pumpkins show up on doorsteps, decorations slowly creep up in windows, and stores stock up on huge boxes of candy. Ah, candy: one of the main reasons why those of us who do celebrate Halloween keep coming back. I mean, on what other night can you go knock on strangers’ doors asking for chips and chocolate bars (and get results)? But I’m starting to see weirder and weirder things showing up in my candy sack. I’ve done some research, and here are a few of the newer—not to mention grosser—treats that lined the shelves of supermarkets this year:

  1. White chocolate maggots. If you’ve ever been tempted to try these creepy crawlers, now’s your chance.
  2. Gummy Earwax. Q-tips sold separately.
  3. Bag-o’-Boogers. A tangy gummy that not only looks, but also feels like real boogers! Points for authenticity.
  4. Scabs. Have you ever watched Austin Powers: Goldmember? Well, these treats kind of look like the scabs in that movie, only they come on a gummy Band-Aid. And to give you the full experience, the manufacturers even made the Band-Aids sticky. Yum.
  5. Crunchy Cockroaches. Gummy insides with a crunchy shell, made to look like a real cockroach. But I must admit, they’re better than bacon and cheese-flavoured cricket snacks. And those aren’t gummy.
  6. Gummy Harvested Organs. For the cannibal in all of us. Sure, Halloween used to be about the harvest, but back then the only thing people harvested were vegetables.
  7. Candy Blood (sold in an IV sack). Only for hardcore Team Edward fans.

And, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse:

  1. Candy Urine Sample! (There really isn’t much I have to say about that one. I think it speaks for itself…)

If you did decide to brave the streets on the night of October 31st, I hope you kept your eyes peeled for these…interesting treats. They’re popping up everywhere now. So, still planning on going out next year? I, for one, might just stay home. One thing’s for sure: I’ve lost my appetite.