How to Grow the Perfect Moustache

Josh Lai


Some of the greatest thinkers and most learned of men in history have sported some of the finest moustaches to grace this world.  This decorated list includes the likes of Leo Tolstoy, Charles Dickens and Albert Einstein.  Not only were the said men some of the greatest and most influential people of their day, they also rocked some of the greatest and most influential articles of facial hair of all time.  

Facial hair has long been considered a measure of manliness and testosterone levels, but this century has alarmingly seen a decrease in both the popularity and length of moustaches.  In nearly every pre-modern country including both modern Scandinavia and Egypt, facial hair is seen as directly proportional to manliness.  

With Movember fast approaching, and with last year’s embarrassingly atrocious staches fresh in mind, this short guide will seek to address common mo mistakes and accentuate your natural moustache prowess.  

Step 1: Shave.  Shave every day and every week.  Shave whenever you’re bored and when you have nothing to do.  Shave even if you have nothing to shave.  Soon, your body will respond and before long, there’ll be a jungle between your nose and your upper lip.  

Step 2: Buy a Pinaud Clubman Moustache Wax and a Kent SCT2 shaving cream.  The cream is self-explanatory; apply to your face upon the conclusion of every shave.  As for the wax, before you buy it, determine which type of facial hair you have.  Maybe it’s the Tom Selleck type, thick, bushy and manly.  Or it could be the Bob Marley in which case Pinaud Clubman Moustache Wax is a must.  Alternatively, it could be the Sydney Crosby, in where you don’t really have enough of a moustache or a beard to wax, let alone see.  However, for most hair varieties, wax helps.  It helps smooth any unwieldy hairs and gives an all-around smooth feel to your mo.  However, another viable option is possible in simple hair conditioner.  Just apply to your moustache during your shower and soon your mouthbrows will be as soft and downy as the silken velvet of a fawn in the spring.  Not only is this attractive, it makes your moustache far more pliable, similar to the use of hair gel, bringing me to penultimate step 3.  

Step 3: Before you go any further, it’s important to identify what kind of face you have.  Much like buying shoes, what fits on one person may be drastically different on you.  If you have a round face, gun for a mo that is short and concise, while if you have a long face, opt with something a bit more adventurous like the famous Walrus (see Moustache Appendix below).  Whatever you choose, there are two important things to remember.  One, is that by this stage, your moustache

should be regularly moisturised (my recommendation is twice a day).  Secondly, remember to either utilise or purchase your trusty Kent A 81T brush, handmade and shipped from England.  Surveys and in-depth studies have concluded that women don’t hate facial hair, as much as they vehemently abhor unkempt and messy facial hair.  Therefore, work that comb.  Nothing is sexier than the Lanny McDonald, while nothing is grosser and more disturbing than a Rick Rubin.  

Upon the successful ascertainment of your face type, it’s time to choose a mo.  Maybe you’re looking for the clean 21st century look with the Painter’s Brush, or maybe the retro, vogue look of the Pencil moustache.  Or you could be looking to go back to the classics, with the famous Chevron, stache that can never go wrong.  Alternatively, you could be gunning for an all-out Hulk Hogan power ’stache, rocking the legendary Horseshoe.  The choices are endless.  

Step 4: You could forget everything you learned above and still keep it classy with step 4.  

One of the most obscure but important facts of successful facial hair growing is the use of scent.  With skilful use of this little-known technique, one could make a Rick Rubin look like a Gavin McInnes.  While some prefer Eternity Aqua by Calvin Klein, my personal favourite is Eau de Cologne Fleur Du Male by Jean Paul Gaultier.  It’s important to note that this cologne is not to be used on your body, but physically, sprayed onto your mo for maximum effect.  

Moustache growing is a noble art, long prized by kings of the courts of Europe, the emperors of Asia and the sultans of Arabia.  Not only is the size of one’s moustache directly proportional to the manliness of a man, moustaches help a good cause during Movember.  By growing a mo, you raise awareness of both prostate cancer among men and your own testosterone levels.  With Movember coming up in some 10 days, grow a mo and do the right thing.