Michael Ahn: Secrets Revealed

Inbar Levona


Michael Ahn, a menace to society has managed to earn my friendship. I don’t remember his characteristics or what he looked like back in grade nine because I had self-esteem issues and was afraid to talk to boys.

My first recollection of Michael Ahn, dubbed as Eager by the past heads of Stage Crew,
was back in grade ten in the auditorium (situated in the old building). He was
flaunting his flexibility by holding the splits three feet above the ground in
between the podium that held the sound and lighting boards, and a radiator. I
had the urge to sack him, as he was an open target, but I refrained from doing
so, as I am a gentle soul.

The months progressed, and although I still had a somewhat uncalled for distaste
for him, he was growing on me. His blatant idiocy was lovable the way a stupid
cat is. In grade eleven, things took a turn for the worse. He had ignited a
passion for wrestling and would display his “talent” on clueless prey. Michael
“Eager” Ahn was no longer eager to help out by any means possible, he was eager
to mount boys and wrestle them until they surrendered.

Grade twelve has been the worst by far. Michael has started taking his shirt off and
has made it into a sport by throwing it at me when I’m not looking. This
happens on a frequent basis and results in me hiding his shirt. Faculty members
walk in on him running around shirtless and hilarity ensues. Most recently,
he’s turned into what he calls a hobbyist. In reality, he just hoards milk
crates from the Commons and stores them in the auditorium for decorative

I’d like to end on a quote, spoken by the man-child himself: “Inbar… it’s happening
again… I have that one really long nipple hair…” I don’t even know why we’re
going to prom together.