Nathan Brandwein

It seems as though the bulk of North Toronto teachers has been rendered feeble after a
sequential string of injuries left them in casts, slings, wheelchairs, and crutches
– you name it. According to Gym bigwig Mr. Smith, who shattered his patella
after a fall, the teachers are being “slowly annihilated by supernatural
dominations.” After all, it’s been well proven that the student faction always
prevails. A Hollywood biopic of the events leading up to his fall is already in
the works – it’s entitled, “Mr. Smith goes to Washington State
Hospital.” Amid this somber time, it must be great to be a substitute right about now. Vocal teacher Ms. Ratzlaff was the first teacher to become the victim of injury. Due to
excess stress on her right shoulder from conducting, she was diagnosed with
tendinosis, a chronic injury that requires months of physical therapy before
making a full recovery. We wish her all the best. Physics virtuoso Mr.
Kinoshita was the most recent teacher to fall onto the disabled list, after
getting a double clavicle fracture. “The reason I’m in a sling,” he declared,
“is because a displeased student attacked me for giving him a low grade.” He
can thank his unbuckled boot for the accident. As he was accelerating off the
chair lift, he bent down to fasten the shoe but forgot that friction is
negligible on ice. Fair enough. Drama teacher Ms. Boutilier ended up in a
wheelchair with a complete ACL and MCL tear after she too went skiing. “I was
having a great time at Mt. Saint Anne,” she asserted. “Mind you, I wasn’t
trying too many fancy moves when my skis slid away from me.” She returned to school in a wheelchair within a few days to the job she adores, habitually using her alternate foot to push open doors. Her philosophy: just keep moving. “Nothing mows us teachers
down!”